You confuse me a great deal. On one hand being with you is the only thing that feels right. It’s all I sickeningly think about. An embarrassing amount. But somehow when you’re not around my brain plays games with my heart. It convinces that I shouldn’t be wasting my time on you. It plays memories over and over until they become a twisted form of what they used to be. During the day I convince myself that I don’t like you and that this is just a fling. But when I see you, those ugly thoughts get tossed out the window. I get tunnel vision and the rest of the world becomes real quiet.
Sometimes you say things and I lose my mind. You’re so frustratingly honest and in love with me. There, I said it. You’re in love with me and I know it. You didn’t need to say it with words. Your hands tell me every time they touch me. Your eyes and that look that you give me. But I know because you’re an open book.
My subconscious has our entire future planned out. It’s idyllic. Logic then smashes the perfect painting my subconscious has devised and replaces it with a laundry list of reasons why it would never work. I take your worst attributes and amplify them. Create them into reasons as to why my future doesn’t include us. Maybe it doesn’t. And that scares the hell out of me. But maybe it does. And that scares me even more.
I wish I could just shut my brain off. Tell it to tell itself to stop thinking so much. Just be in the moment. Stop ruminating on your faults. My gut won’t shut up either. It flutters when I see you, releasing thousands of butterflies. But it also warns with a low guttural sound that only my brain can hear.
I wish I could be in love with you. I want to be. Because sometimes you’re just so perfect. And in those moments I don’t deserve you. When you rudely interrupt me to tell me how pretty my eyes are. Or when you make me laugh and then smile that loving smile because all you ever want to do is make me laugh.
How can one person be so perfect yet so imperfect? But maybe that’s what love is. But I wouldn’t know.
I somehow thought this was all supposed to get easier with time.