So I was watching Sex in the City the other day. You know the part in the series where Charlotte gets divorced and consequently meets Harry who happens to be her divorce lawyer. Well they start dating and then in the season finale Charlotte tells Harry she is falling in love with him. Harry then turns to her and says but I’m Jewish, I have to marry a Jewish girl.
This always struck me as odd. Charlotte and Harry had only been dating for what could only have been a couple of months and Harry was already thinking about marriage. So that made me wonder, at what point in your life should you be “dating to marry”?
I’ve dated plenty of guys who I knew weren’t marriage material. But I was so young and marriage seemed so far that I did it anyways. I eventually broke up with them but the pressure of marriage was never on the table.
I am turning 25 this year and I am slowly starting to see everyone around me get married and settle down. Marriage is a very real possibility at my age. The marriage pressure is on.
Que my dilemma. I find myself dating a guy, T-Man. He has a lot of great qualities and we have amazing chemistry. But even from the beginning when we first started dating I knew that he wasn’t someone I could see spending my life with. I don’t know why and I can’t put my finger on it. But I just know. It’s not that he isn’t marriage material, he would make a great husband, but just not for me I guess. But I kept dating him anyways. I figured, why not.
We have reached a point in our “relationship” where we have started talking to each other about what we want in the future and what happiness looks like. As we were lying in bed last night T-Man launched into a big spiel about the point of life. According to T-Man, the point of life is to have a family and pass on knowledge etc. to another generation & his idea of happiness is to have children. I just froze up.
Shit. At that point I started screaming in my head: “It’s only been a few months why are you talking about having a family?!? Why are you ruining it? We were doing so well.”
It’s no secret among my friends that don’t want children. I have been saying this for the past five years and I am still holding strong to it. It just isn’t something that I want out of life. I have no desire to have children, or a family. I never have. It’s just not me. I’d rather have a successful career. This isn’t something that I will change my mind about. It’s a non-negotiable. And I realize that having children is also a non-negotiable for a lot of men (the majority of men).
I guess I have this delirious idea that someone will love me enough not to care that I don’t want children. That love will conquer it.
It’s my biggest insecurity, the one thing that I won’t tell until I have to. And I am completely valid in this insecurity. There is this idea that men don’t think about marriage or a family in their 20’s. Which is so false. Within the first couple months of seeing each other, the last two guys I’ve dated have both brought up their desire to have children and a family and get married, etc. It wasn’t directed at me necessarily but came about due to the fact that we were dating. Guys in their 20’s definitely think about that stuff. Often.
So my question is, at what age should we be “dating to marry”? When should we start dating people with the thought of marriage in mind?
I don’t think T-Man is the one. But I’m seeing him anyways. But should I not be? Am I just wasting my time?