If I’m Being Honest

I’m in the middle of something. The kind of something that makes my stomach feel like it’s in my throat. And I’m confused and upset and mad that I’m upset all at the same time. It’s like I’m feeling every emotion all at once.

I don’t know if I am over-analyzing the situation or justifying it. I don’t know if I like him or trying to push him away because I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m making up excuses as to why he’s not right for me just to push him away.

I feel venerable and taken advantage of. I feel like the walls that I’ve put up are crumbling and I can’t do anything to stop it. I can’t tell if I want to stop it or not.

Are you supposed to instantly know that someone is the right person for you? Am I supposed to have it figured out by now? Should there be a clear lit-up answer in my head? An arrow pointing me in the right direction?

One moment I feel as though I could love him. As though I love him. But I don’t even know him. And that scares me. How can I even think about loving someone I don’t know? What if I get to know him and I don’t love him. And then I’ve already given it all away. It’s hard to take it back at that point. There’s no exit plan. I think that’s what scares me the most. You get to a certain point in a relationship and the exit becomes less and less clear. I always have one foot in and one foot out, every relationship. But somehow it feels as if he’s got both of my feet caught.

It makes me want to back out now. But I can’t. A part of me just wants to sit back and enjoy it as it comes. Stop analyzing. Stop looking for the exit. Stop CARING. I can’t. I’m so wrapped up in this that it consumes my thoughts. And it pisses me off that I think about him all the time. It pisses me off that a single word from him can ruin my day. It pisses me off that I like him so much. All the cards are on the table and I’ve got nowhere to hide.

I’ve only known him a month. One month. 30 days. That’s ridiculous. It’s ridiculous that I even have these thoughts. That I am stooping down to this level. I feel like a dumb girl.

And I feel taken advantage of. I feel used. And I HATE that. I hate not being in control. I hate that he makes me feel taken advantage of.  I hate that he can read my eyes. My facial expressions. My thoughts. I hate that he can dig so far into me and uncover the parts that make me uncomfortable.

He’s completely shaken up my world. But at the same time the world looks the same. Nothing has changed.

I like his family. I like spending time with them. Which is weird. He has a big family which is so foreign to me. I’ve never experienced having so many close family members.

I like how honest he is. I also hate how honest he is. Because I’m not like that. He’s an open book. And so easy to read. And falls so easily in love. It makes me feel like I should be more like that and that makes me feel insecure. Like there is something wrong with me. He had a cat with his last girlfriend. A cat. I would never do that. It’s too deep to heavy, too connected without an exit. I’d probably love that cat more than I love him and that makes me feel like I’m not worth his love.

I think that’s the issue. I don’t feel worth it. Emotionally I guess. I hate opening up to people, I hate being venerable, I don’t like commitment, I don’t want kids, I don’t want marriage. I don’t want any of it. I want out.

I’m scared.

I hope that’s it. I hope I’m just sacred and that’s why I feel like I want to run and not look back. Because I do. Most of the time. But sometimes when he looks at me I feel like I want to stay forever. He has that look. The one that makes me want to never look away.

Is this just how it feels to fall for someone? This feeling is so foreign to me. I’ve never felt this way before. This feels too complicated and mixed up to be normal.

I feel like I just want to rip this up and forget it all. It’s all so ridiculous.

But I’m just being honest.

 

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