The topic of relationships has been on my mind lately. I feel as if people all around me have been breaking up and making up and getting engaged. I swear if Facebook lets me know another person has gotten engaged I might have to deactivate my account…
Anyways, it must be spring.
Well sometimes when a couple, who you always thought of as rock solid, breaks up it kind of makes you question the solidity of relationships. They seemed so perfect for each other, so happy, and so destined for marriage. Then the next day their entire worlds are turned upside down.
And then sometimes two people decide to get married. And you wonder how someone can make that big of a commitment for the rest of their lives. They make it seem so simple.
But to me, it seems like the most difficult thing. It seems so foreign. So HEAVY.
I have issues with commitment. I know this. But the mystery to me is WHY I have these issues. I have the most loving parents who have been in a happy committed relationship for 35 years. I have a great group of best friends that I have known since I was 5. And I have no problem meeting new friends and completely opening up to them. So why does being in a long term relationship scare the shit out of me?
I just really dislike the thought of spending so much time with one person. I dislike the fact that you have to report to another human being. I dislike being grouped with someone else. I dislike not being able to do what I want. And I really dislike the fact that another person’s happiness sits within your hands. That seems like too much pressure for me.
Now I am being completely honest here with my foolish thoughts. I understand that some of the
older wiser readers out there must be thinking “you just haven’t met the right person” or “you’re still so young. You will change your outlook”. And you know what? I really hope I do.
I really like the idea of being in a relationship. It seems nice to have someone to share life’s special moments with. But at the same time I feel as if at this point in my life I don’t want something so serious. I wish I could have someone there like some of the time. You know? I want someone to go to go on adventures with. I want someone to walk my dog with to go out to dinner with. But I also want someone who won’t care when I want to just be by myself or with my friends. Someone who isn’t with me all the time but just enough. I say all this with the knowledge that such relationships don’t exist in real life. A relationship isn’t a “when I feel like it” type of commitment. But that is all I feel I can give right now. That’s all I want to give right now.
Just to be clear, I have been in a few long term relationships. I realize that this post makes me sound like a crazy cat lady but that is in fact untrue. I have been in really bad and immature relationships, long distance relationships, heavy relationships, passionate relationships, and casual relationships. I feel as if I have done them all. Well, except for a relationship that actually worked I guess…..
In short, it took me 2 months to commit to publishing this post on commitment, I think my issues may be deeper than originally thought….