A Mess of Feelings (or something like it)

So I did something stupid (big surprise right). I don’t actually know if it was stupid or not because I haven’t yet determined how I feel about the whole thing…..

It all started with some hard cider and one of my good friends- let’s call him Jose. I’ve known Jose for a little while now- about 3 or 4 years. The thing about my friendship with Jose is that it didn’t start as a friendship. I’ve always kind of known that he liked me. Even the first time that we met. Well that night we had too much to drink and I woke up with Jose snuggled up next to me and his arm around my waist. I never knew what to think of Jose. A part of me kind of liked him but another part of me didn’t. He’s kind of a goofball. Not the kind of guy I imagine myself with (hmph.. a handsome, smart, lawyer :)). He’s kind of nerdy but in a awkward kind of way. He’s not smooth, can’t flirt and I’ve never seen him with a girl before. And I am not attracted to him in the least. He has a great personality and we get along really well. We have a lot of the same interests. But OMG if my friends knew I was dating him they would flip out (for good reason).

[Note: I am not one of those people that really cares what others think. I have always walked to the beat of my own drum. My grandma likes to tell me “if you didn’t exist, someone would have to invent you”. But my friends know me. Almost too well. We have been best friends for 19 years. I would never date something that they didn’t like because I know they have my best intentions in mind.]

But back to the story at hand. I drank a little too much hard cider and a little too much vodka and that combination never leads to good decisions. In my case, it led to Jose. At the end of the night we wound up drinking wine at my friend’s house. Long story short there was some cuddling, hand holding and making out involved. I blame the wine.

I managed to not think about the incident for the whole weekend by keeping busy. But it’s now Monday and I have to face reality. How do I feel about the situation? Is this something I want to pursue? No. Yes. Maybe. No.

I feel confused. My gut is telling me no. My gut is telling me that I am just lonely and that is why I have these feelings. And that is why I decided to make out with one of my good friends.

I really hope things won’t be awkward now. Why do I always do this to myself?! Why can’t I just meet a decent guy? A normal one who I like and I am sure of my feelings towards. Why isn’t this whole love thing easier?

And the story continues A Mess of Feelings Part 2.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Amedar says:

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